the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
