I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think people are normalizing furries
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
