Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
