party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
