don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
