How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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