I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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