pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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