i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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