alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
