Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
