I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
