It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Is it penis luge time yet?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
