Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
