i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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