I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
