She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
