If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
We need to rekindle our bromance
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
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