if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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