i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least š
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You told him he ācould park his dick in your garageā.
Well he didnāt. It shouldnāt be this hard to get a penis.
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