where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
