I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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