and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
