If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
