dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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