Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
