chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
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