Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
