I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
