i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
