textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
