Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
