First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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