I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
