your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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