So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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