my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
