Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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