So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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