Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
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