First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
