some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
