I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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