i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
