Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
