just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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