Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
