i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
