Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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