Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
