i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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