The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
