I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
