I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
